6 November, 1995Information Unlimited, Inc.
Dear Sir or Madam:
I am writing to lodge a formal complaint with your company. In the first week of August, I ordered your "Laser Bounce Listener System." I have enclosed my shipping receipt and my canceled check for your reference.
I bought the system, which your advertisement says will allow me "to hear sounds from a premises without gaining access". After taking delivery of the unit and carefully following the instructions enclosed, I attempted to listen to the occupants of the apartment across the lake from mine. They are plotting my destruction and downfall, unaware of my far-ranging capabilities.
But, when I activated the Laser Bounce Listener, the headphones only played chit-chat about the weather and dinner plans for the evening. This simple decoy will not stop me in my quest. I fully realize that the unit is obviously defective; apparently, covert operators within your company in cahoots with the people across the lake and have cleverly adapted the listener to play benign, pre-recorded messages to keep my suspicions at a minimum.
I'll have you know that I'm quite savvy to your ploy! Rather than give you the satisfaction of returning the item for a refund, I will instead keep it. In only a few more days, I should complete my work of disabling the pre-recorded messages and I will be able to hear the plans of the maniacal couple across the lake. Perhaps Iíll even turn them in to the FBI and collect a spy-finderís bounty... I don't know if this is a good idea, as my agents have not yet returned with intelligence crucial to my success.
Anyhow, please send me an RMA so that I might return this defective item for a refund immediately.